Being a Mat

I was reading this on Lou's blog and was gonna reply in the comments bit but I think it needs abit more space. Basically Lou was talking about being the first to apologise even when you're not in the wrong and feeling like you're a mat.

http://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=17281269&postID=113252807187260840

I totally think its good to say sorry no matter what the situation, no-one is ever 100% innocent. But if the person doesn't reciplicate your apology then what is learnt from that situation? The person will just go on thinking that its ok to do whatever it is that they've done. Yes we have to show grace like God has shown us but I don't think God has called us to be door mats. The best thing to do I reckon is to talk to the person and try to get them to see how they've hurt you. And just as I'm writing this I am realising how hypocritical I am. Well I never said thats what I do, thats just what I think is the right thing to do. I think the major issue really is pride. Everyone likes being right. If you say sorry its like you're admitting you were wrong, this is a problem I am facing at the moment as well. Ah and now I'm stuck. Well all I can say is that I'd rather be a mat than the other person.

Goodbye to the blonde and reminiscing

Ergh I dyed my hair this morning. Apparently its meant to be Aurburn but its turned out one of those non-discript colours that people always um and er over what it is. Ah well. Don't think it was meant to be used on blonde hair. My fault.

Ok heres a new thing. I kept a diary (well 14 actually, yes I am sad.) for about three years. So heres what happened in my life on the 23rd of November 2002.

School. Where do I begin? I don't think that much has happened since October actually. Gertrude* and Ethel* both organised their birthday parties on the same day. Not good. Ethel's will probably be a more 'grown up' party whereas Gertrude's will probably be video and pizza type party. I'm much better friends with Gertrude but Ethel asked me first. Hmmm and also on that day is the Wymondham youth orchestra concert. So I'll just play in that instead, sorts the whole problem.

I've been looking at sixth forms for next year. The candidates are:
Hewitt
CNS
Notre Dame
Thorpe
Wymondham
I have no idea where I want to go. I think I know what subjects though. Biology, Chemistry, Music and Religion Philosophy and Ethics or Psychology.

I played in the youth band at church yesterday. Mum reckons I shouldn't play because I'm going to a different church at the moment. I can't really see the harm. What is slightly more worrying is that I'm not actually a christian. I think thats a better reason for not playing in a worship band don't you? I enjoy it though, and they need me. I'm happy to play so whats the harm? Ok if I was a buddist and I was playing in a christian worship band then that would be much worse. I'm doing christian stuff, yeah mainly for the social side but not completely i don't think. I don't know what it is but something inside me still wants to go even though i think its all rubbish. I love the singing anyway, don't really sing anywhere apart from church.

*names changed for security reasons

Erm there is more but I can't realy put it in... Man how mixed up was I? I just like to reassure people that I do not agree with myself three years ago...if that makes sense. Agh that'll do for today.

Murder, boredom and more Egypt

I hate the world. Well it started off being men, progressed to customers in general, then I thought I might as well go the whole way and hate the whole of humankind. Why is it that when I ask people if they want me to pack their shopping they say "Well if you'd like to." Do they honestly think that my life is so unfullfilled that I would find enjoyment in packing their shopping? Don't get me wrong, I have no problem at all in helping the people who actually need help. It's the bloody men who stand there and watch me struggle away without even offering to help or even saying thankyou. Eight hours of that and you'd start getting abit murderous too.

And I have just realised something tragic today. I am really really bored. It's very dangerous when I get bored because I tend to create things to make life more interesting. Fortunately I've identified this early and I think I've found two main 'things' I'm creating to make life interesting. Unfortunately I can't really write what they are as that would really be fair. Ah well, you probably have no idea what the hell I'm going on about anyway. Welcome to the madness that is my mind.

Good news about Egypt though. I may have one brunette recruit. Anyone who might be interested, the more the merrier. This only applies to
a) people I know,
b) people I like,
c) people who can put up with me for a couple of weeks.

Consider point c) carefully. Thankyou.

Egypt

I have decided that before I go to America I'm gonna go to Egypt. I have heard that the pyramids are being closed to the public in 2007 and I really want to see them. The only problem is that apparently white, blonde girls are likely to get sold for a camel. So I really am gonna have to get a travel buddy, and preferably not a white blonde girl. Sorry Abs and about half my other friends. Hmmm this will take some thought.

Another Rant........(sorry)

I am gonna try not to mention any names here as I don't want a beating. But I got so pissed off tonight. Ok, I'll backtrack a little. Me and Lou went to church this evening, well we were there about fifteen minutes before we walked out. It was the same church that I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that didn't take critism very well. Basically me and Lou both got wound up again and walked out. Now I have to say first of all that this church do loads of really good things. Anyway, the first thing the speaker said was how wonderful this church was, how it was the best church, how he had been here all day and how wonderful he was. We then sang a meaningless song with pathetic words but a great tune. Then we had the offering. Two weeks ago people had been asked to give in faith, give what they wanted to give, not what they could afford to give. Interesting idea, not a bad one i didn't think. But he wants people to do this every week. Now if you're giving what you can't afford then you're not actually giving out of what belongs to you. It's all very trusting in God to provide, but its like the whole jump off a cliff and God'll save you thing. You need to be responsible aswell. And where does this money go anyway? No-one is ever told but there is alot of fancy equiptment, technology, instruments and other things. I'm not saying that the money is spent unwisely, I'm juyst saying that people are giving blindly and are not told what happens to their money. To me thats not really right. But it was mainly the whole arrogance falseness of the place that made me want to leave. You always have to be happy and jumping and sorted. There doesn't seem to be any room for broken, hurt or tired people. You need space for both in my opinion. Rant over. You can breathe now.

So me and Lou came home and drank a spititual cup of peach, honey and vanilla tea while being holy and watching cheaper by the dozen...

Beach, work, out and home.

Went to the beach again this morning. Ben managed to find the only dead seal on the whole beach and roll in it, but don't tell my mum, as me and dad haven't quite got round to telling her yet. She has a thing about dead seals. Anything in the distance, a log, a dark shadow, IT'S A SEAL!!! QUICK, STOP BEN!

Spent the afternoon at the Football ground. Its so much fun working there. I think its the company more than the job, actually. Well then I spent about 20 years getting home on the bus through all the matchday traffic, such fun. When eventually I did get back to my village, it was pitch dark. There are no street lights on my road, and no path either. So I stumbled blindly down the road abit like those people you see half dying in the desert. I only tripped about five times and somehow didn't fall flat on my face at all. A miracle, I know. I then had about half an hour to get ready before I went to Emma's to go to Alex's to go to the waterfront. No problem.

Halfway through the evening I got really depressed and felt really sick so I went home. In hind-sight it was probably PMT or just my normal schitzo-ness. Who knows. I'm playing at church tomorrow for the first time so it was probably good i came home early.

My supposed day off

First of all I'd just like to let you know that there are a few photos from Australia posted under 'August.'

Ah working on my day off, how nice. I got halfway to work today and realised I'd left my skirt at home. Tragic I know. Now don't worry, I wasn't half naked or anything. As I cycle to work I can't really be wearing a ridiculus skirt with an almost obscene slit in on my bike so I wear something much more practical (being my blue Australia surfer shorts, perfect for wintery days...) I was already running late, as usual, but didnt I really have much choice in going back or not as I don't think work would've let me serve looking how I did. So I rushed back, grabbed my skirt and made it to work only about 3 minuted late! How good am I!? And I was only working four hours today which was so much more fun compared to eight. Plus there were some very nice people who came to my till. Ah well, it brightens my day

And my piano teacher was pleased with me today!! Hurray! She even said I could easily be a distinction pupil if I just beleived in myself more and worked harder on stuff I didn't like. Lol it's doubtful but it was nice of her. Only one month left til the exam.

I also met up with Abi today and we went coat shopping. Now she is always ALWAYS cold so the sensible thing would be to get a nice warm coat right? But the first things she picks up are little cotton jackets. "Oh I can wear them underneath" she says. Then she tries on a really nice red coat and yells out to the whole shop "Ergh these pockets are just WRONG!" We make a swift exit. Next shop..."Oh I love this one!" Now lets look at what you're wearing at the moment Abi. Yes it's practically identical isn't it. Next shop, headed straight for the dresses and flouncy skirts. Are they really goona keep you warm and dry? I don't think so. Dear me, I sound like her mother...well it makes a change! She's usually the one who mothers me. Hehe I love you Abs. How dull life would be without you.

My disgusting fingers

Aaaah the most hilarious thing happened today, well it wasn't hilarious at the time, it was actually a little distressing. Ok heres what happened. I was sitting at my checkout and it was really quiet so I decided to do a little spring cleaning underneath. Unfortunately I caught my thumb on this random piece of metal which seems to have no purpose but to cut me. And you know how when you bang something etc you suck it for abit? Well I sucked my thumb where it was hurting for a second til this lady who i work with came up to my checkout. She had a basket of stuff and stopped in front of me and said "Ergh I don't want you touching my shopping after you've had your disgusting fingers in your mouth." I thought she was joking to start with, even though it was a crap joke, but then I realised she was deadly serious. So I just kinda sat there wondering whether I should put her shopping through or not. Eventually I started putting it through and packing it for her. But then when I got to her meat, she snatched it out of my hands and said "I don't want you touching my meat with your disgusting fingers!" I just stared at her like 'Are you for real???' And so I told her I'd banged my thumb just a second ago. And she goes "Well put a plaster on it then!" By this time I was starting to quietly fume. Then I was waiting for her to type in her PIN number and she was just standing there, so I just reinded her she needed to type it in. She goes "Ah you really put me off after sitting there sucking your disgusting fingers!" Can you even beleive it!? She then stormed off muttering to herself.

Old people today...they have no respect...no respect whatsoever.

Shopping and pondering, but not at the same time.

I honestly, truly, completely, utterly (etc etc) loathe shopping. I know, I know, I'm not a proper girl. Unfortunately I had to go today as my wardrobe still looks like I should be in Australia. Not good when I'm in England. I got Alice to write me a list of what I needed and then a list of what I wanted. I then gave her strict instructions not to let me get anything I want until I've got everything I need. Seemed easy enough. Eight hours later I returned home with only one thing I needed and far to many things that I didn't. Seriously what is wrong with me???

In between shopping I was pondering, as I do, and I was wondering why it is so hard to do things that are good for you. It really is quite illogical. For example, I know if I read my bible each morning my day just goes so much better, and even if it doesn't, I deal with things better. But does this mean that I read my bible everyday? Of course not. I know that if I practise my scales that my piano lesson will go much better and I have a better chance of passing my exams. But does that mean I always practise them? Nope. I know if I go to bed earlier that I'll not be tired the next day but do I? Well it's 11:30 now. I could go on but I'm sure you get the picture. It is evident to me that the knowlege that something is good for you is not enough to make people do it. So what is? Yeah thats where my pondering stopped.

Aaah and tragically my phone is broken. Great timing as usual. And the phone shop tell me there is nothing wrong with it. Yet again its all in my head, apparently. Ah well.

Laser treatment and demoralisation

A strange mixture I know. I had my first physio appointment today. He did this laser treatment thing in my knee to get rid of scar tissue and promote collagen or something. It was really wierd, not painful just wierd. Then he used this thing that felt like it was vibrating really hard but I think it was electical impulses. That was even more weird. The great thing was that he explained everything he was doing and how it helped and what was going on in my knee unlike all other doctors I've seen. So I left feeling happy and encouraged. I then had my piano lesson. I couldn't have played any worse if I tried I swear. You know you get to that stage sometimes when somethings going to badly you just want to stop and run away, or cry? Well that happened in the first thing I played which was only a scale of bloody F major which I should be able to do that with my eyes closed. We then went on to do about 20 scales, all of which got progressively worse as I went on. My teacher didn't say anything afterwards which is even worse than her being pissed off at me. We then did my pieces. My oh my. I really don't know what was wrong with me. I think that was the last straw really for my teacher. She went on about how my exam's only just over a month away and I need to be doing at least an hour and a half of practice a day, preferably three. Dear me. It's weird, piano is the only thing really that I get worked up over. I don't mind failing at everything else (which is just as well really) but I really don't want to fail my piano exam. I can't afford to fail it anyway, its costing me 59 pounds!

Agh what a depressing post. Oh well, I'll be more cheerful tomorrow.

Bits and bobs

Agh last night was funny. When I got home from work at 7 I thought I might as well just put my pyjamas as there was no point actually wearing proper clothes. Lol, then Emma phoned to see if I'd like to go out for a drink and she'd pick me up in ten minutes. Hmmm well it was funny last night anyway. I reckon you had to be there...

I was talking to a customer yesterday and I just asked her if she'd had a busy day etc. She said she'd spent all day at hospital having surgery on her eyes. I asked if it all went well and she said "well no actually, I'm probably going to go blind." I wasn't sure what to say to that as I was aware that there was a large queue building up but it didn't really seem appropriate to just say "would you like any cashback?" I think I just something really pathetic like "oh I'm really sorry." She was really quite cheerful about the whole thing though. I hope if I was to go blind I could be that carefree.

Well it's about a month and a week until my piano exam and just as usual I'm getting totally depressed and I actually don't think I'm gonna pass this one. Have you any idea how many scales I have to do? Let me just count. OK I make it 189. Well you get the picture that its alot. And I suck, truly I do. I'm fine with the pieces, mostly...but the scales are just a joke. Agh I hate exams.

I had another really wierd dream last night. Firstly I was gonna have a baby (i'm starting to worry how much I dream that. Must be a metephor for something) and then I was at work and someone was working on the checkout across from me who hasn't spoken to me in a long time. I asked her why she hadn't phoned me and she replied how come I hadn't phoned her. And I said because I was having a baby. It was one of those really real dreams though. Strange.

Last nights dream

As with most of my dreams, they can't always be put into words let alone make sense. But bits of my dreams last night were this. Me and Alice were in a kitchen. I think it was my kitchen but I'm not 100% sure on that. And suddenly I realised there was a large snake, like a python, wrapping itself around my waist. It then began to wrap itself aroung Alice's neck so I grabbed a small, sharp knife from the work surface. I started stabbing at this snake but I found each strike really hard, like I was killing something I loved but I had no choice. Then I realised I was slashing not only at the snake but across my arms as well. Then we were somewhere else, minus Alice and snake. There were lots of people I knew but I can't remember who they were. There's a gap in my memory here but it was something to do with a boat. Then we were all in a kind of grass dunes area and being chased by a polar bear. I couldn't run away because my knee wouldn't work proporly. So i climbed to the top of a small cliff. The polar bear followed and then when it was almost at the top I jumped off the cliff. The polar bear followed and caught up with me. It put it's mouth round my arm I think and I waited for it to bite it off or something but it just kinda sucked it instead. Sort of like Ben (my dog) does when he's trying to be affectionate. But that was almost worse than it biting me because I just sat there for ages waiting for it to bite my arm off. Then I woke up, I think.

I am not a psycho, I don't think anyway...

What a conundrum

Bizzarrely (if thats even a word) at work today I went from thinking "I have to get another job, this is killing me," to thinking "You know this is actually quite fun and I kinda like doing this." I was trying to work out possible reasons for this. Could it be that work has finally lowered my standards of fun and general living? If so is that even a bad thing? Or could it just be that the pain of boredom has become too much for my brain so it has numbed itself like in a really bad accident? I'm not sure if its a good thing or a bad things that I'm starting to enjoy my job.

Digging Holes

Yes I dug myself a nice big hole yesterday at church. Fortunately I think i was entitled to and Lou agreed with me. But basically when one of the leaders asked me if I'd enjoyed the service, and for parts of it I had strongly considered walking out, I can't just say 'Oh yes it was wonderful! Well done.' So I told him what I didn't totally agree with. Woah bad idea! To say he was defensive would be a huge understatement. I barely even said half of what I wanted to and even that was sugar coated, but from his reaction you would have thought I called them all a bunch of devil worshippers. Me and my big mouth.

Thoughts in my head

I've come to the conclusion that there is not one person in this world who you can really rely on. Myself included. Whether meaning to or not people will always, ALWAYS let you down. But does that mean you should just give up on people? Well I thought maybe I would. I coped fine on my own before, I can cope fine now. But thats not the way things work. Although the majority of the time you will be let down and trampled on, there will be those few occasions when someone will shine through for you. Though few and far between, they make friendship worth the risk. Those moments when you realise that someone has gone out of their way to be there for you, no matter what the cost. That is worth a lifetime of broken promises. It doesn't mean that the scars disappear or the pain vanishes, its just gives it a purpose.

Ode to the beach

I really don't understand how anyone can not love the beach.
I mean look at it.

How can you not want to go there? I did have to wear my wellies this morning though. I'm not quite as tough as i used to be - no longer bare feet all through the winter. I even had to dig out some gloves. Its tragic.

And I saw seals today aswell, only about 3 metres from the shore! They followed us alone the beach for abit before Ben scared them away. They really can hold their breath for ages. It must be nice to be a seal and spend all day in the sea. I think I'd rather be a killer whale though. Did you know they are the only animals other than humans who will kill for revenge and not to protect or feed themselves? Thats not why I'd like to be a killer whale though, don't worry.

Blowing out the cobwebs

I love windy days. They just make me smile for some reason. I think the cars driving past me on the way to my piano lesson thought I was some sort of spaced out lunatic walking along grinning to myself. Ah well. I pity them, warm and un-windswept in their restricting little cars. Hehe.

A Time and a Place - my mother the goldfish

This is something my mother is very keen on telling me about but has no idea about herself. For example, when I got home yesterday after working eight hours in my suicide-worthy boring, dead-end job with no break I am greeted with demands for my rent. For the fourth time I told her that I have no money in the bank as I have not received a pay-check yet but I will take out an overdraft if she so wishes. To this she demands to know what I've done with all my money which I reply that I went to visit friends (practically the only social thing I've done since the summer) and I needed a coat. Of course this isn't good enough, nothing ever is. So I'm still standing in the doorway holding my bike lights and my legs are about to collapse under me. Don't tell me that was the time and place for that conversation. Can I really be blamed for nearly loosing my temper? She askes me the same thing nearly EVERY SINGLE DAY. My mother the goldfish.

I would just like to add that I do love her dearly she just winds me up.

The beginning

So here it is. Will it last? Hmmm I don't know. We shall see.